My extra emotional Christmas

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The holiday season has been extra emotional this year. With it being Ashton’s first Christmas, my first Christmas without my extended family and the first Christmas without my great grandmother who passed earlier this year. The cherry on top of my emotional holiday season is I thought I was pregnant again…

We’ve been trying to expand our family the last couple of months and this month I was late. I tried not to get too excited because I know that your cycle changes a lot after baby, also conceiving while breastfeeding lowers your chances and having two kids make intimate time next to impossible, so I TRIED not to get excited, but I did. I put all my excitement into the possibility of it happening, we even agreed to wait and take a test on Christmas morning because how special would that be and what an amazing memory.

Then the night before Christmas Eve my lovely monthly friend showed up…I broke down and cried in the bathroom until I heard the kids laughing and pulled myself back together. I sent a text to Eric even though we were in the same room and told him not to bring it up because I did not want to be an emotional mess in front of the boys.

While the boys were busy playing and Eric was getting his ‘nerd on’ I tried to distract myself by scrolling through social media–worst idea ever. I was happy to see so many pregnancy announcements and all the beautiful growing bumps but oh my gosh did my heart ache at the same time. I reminded myself to look at each announcement and picture and let it fill me with hope for us. I know it will happen when it’s suppose to, I know it’s harder now that it was when we tried for Ashton and I know that I need to start weaning Ashton to help my chances but I’m also not ready to let go of that yet. It’s such a special bond for us and when we are both ready it will happen. For now I’m just going to trust my body and the universe and just relax. The boys are only this age for such a short time so I need to enjoy it while I can. 

All of us on Christmas Day 2016