I didn’t give up today

I’m currently writing this while I’m chugging water and devouring a lactation brownie because our lovely son has been literally sucking the life out of me. And at first I didn’t want to write this for fear of being called a bad mom but then I really thought about it and said screw that! I started this blog to be honest and to reach out to other moms who feel like they’re the only ones dealing with a certain situation.

Here’s the thing, I’ve mentioned this before but social media kind of sucks sometimes. I mean I love it, I love connecting with people, catching up, being inspired and learning new things BUT I also catch myself comparing my life to the picture perfect world that the tiny squares paint. As silly as this sounds but I get so excited when I see a fellow mom post about her bad day with her children. NOT because I want her to have a bad day but because DANG does it feel good to realize there is someone standing next to you in the battleground of motherhood.

NOW here is were I tell how I wanted to give up today and crawl into darkness…or a hot bath with chocolate and wine. You see today our sweet son, you know the one I mentioned earlier who is sucking the life out of me? Well when he wasn’t latched onto me with a death grip that made me fear for the safety of my nipple he was crying. Crying because I held him, crying because I put him down, crying because he couldn’t see dad, crying because he saw dad, crying because he saw me, crying because he couldn’t see me. Then he ate peas and giggled and we took a bath and he giggled. Then he cried for all the previous reasons I mentioned and more. Towards the end he wouldn’t even latch he would just cry, then my new pump broke, then my hand pump wouldn’t work, I was hungry, tired and had ringing in my ear. So I did the only thing I could think of and put him in his crib with a clean diaper, full belly, his noise machine and walked away so I could cry.

I felt defeated, I felt like I wasn’t enough for him or cut out to be his mom. And as I laid in my bed ready to throw in the towel I heard my spouse go try to help soothe our son, something that generally never happens. Not because he doesn’t try but our son generally prefers me over him when it comes to soothing. Then I heard it. Silence. Of course some little grunt and cries came but I heard them both talk to each other, granted Ashton is just grunts and babbles but I smiled. I sneaked out of our room and peeked around the corner to listen better and I heard Ashton begin to roar up again. Eric tried his best to soothe him and even said ‘Buddy what’s wrong? you need to give your mom a break, I’m here for you too’. Awe swoon, I’m back.

Yep, something as simple as hearing Eric say out loud that I need a break and acknowledge that it’s hard made me not give up. It’s usually something simple like this that makes the hard days a little less hard and makes me pull myself out of a black pit of pity. We ended up eating more peas (seriously he loves peas and the smell of them make me want to vomit), doing a bath with dad followed by nursing Ashton to sleep. Will he stay asleep all night? Probably not. Will I want to give up again tonight, this week, this month? Probably. Will I? No.

So if you’re a fellow mom having a rough day, my advice to you would be look for something as simple as your spouse telling your child to give you a break and let that be your reason to not give up. As for me, I’m going to eat another brownie because you can never have to much milk and make dinner for us, maybe enjoy a drink before bed too.

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4 thoughts on “I didn’t give up today”

  1. Ash says:

    Love this, Spenc. I agree, every mother has “that moment”… & you’re so right, it just FEELS good to know you really DO have help and it WILL be okay! Hearing or watching those sweet little moments between the people you love more than words… is so worth it! I smiled when you said you got up to see haha!! No matter how broken you feel, in that split second moment… you wouldnt miss it for the world! Sometines we just need a little reassurance or more like… help haha! Love you & you’re an amazing Mama n’ wifey <3

    1. spencerunlimited says:

      Aw love you too girl! And YES even though I was done with the day, moment and myself the second I heard them I picked myself up because I couldn’t miss the cuteness between a father and son. Thank you!!

  2. Lucy says:

    Awww *HUGS* I know what you mean. I’ve been there. It’s tough during the first year or two of your child’s life. But it does get better. <3 I hope you have a better day!

    1. spencerunlimited says:

      Thank you, I always remind myself that this time is short and even though he is beyond needy some days, one day he wont need me and that will be a whole new mess of emotions.

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