I yelled at my son but I’m still a good mom.

Rai and Ashton


Yesterday was rough. Actually to be really honest yesterday wasn’t rough it was freaking hard. My sweet Ashton was not himself. It was a day of constant whining and crying. I’d pick him up and he would cry, I’d put him down and he would cry. I’d cook food, he’d cry, put the food away and you guessed it he’d cry. I put teething oil on his gums it hopes that maybe he was fussy due to one of the many teeth he’s getting in but he still was upset. He’d have glimpses of normalcy but then something as simple as his bottle being empty or his sock still being on would send him over the edge. He took his morning nap with a fight and it wasn’t long by any means so I attempted a car ride because that usually cures both boys when they’re fussy and he instead cried the whole drive. By 4 pm I was done, I sat there crying while my baby tried to nurse but couldn’t due to the toddler pulling on him and me and I felt it bubbling up. I felt myself getting tingly with angry and I heard myself yell ‘Ashton stop crying or go to your room! I’ve had enough!’ of course Ashton being Ashton he went to his room and cried louder but I was still fuming so I tucked him into bed and in a grumpy voice told him to go to bed. It took all my energy to not slam the door behind me.

Then after I took a few deep breathes I looked on his monitor to see him cuddling his stuffed owl sound asleep. Immediately I felt guilty, ‘I should have tried harder to get him to nap again’ is the first thing I thought but the thing is I did try, I tried several times just like I tried all day to soothe him and am only human as my friend Lindsay pointed out. And I don’t know about you but the second a fellow mama tells me she’s been there or is there right next to you in the trenches of motherhood I feel a thousand times better. I realize some one will read this and think how horrible I am for yelling at my son and I’m sure I’ll get a few negative comments that I will happily delete because I’m not sharing this for you, I’m sharing this for the mom out there having a bad day just like I was. For the mom crying in her room while her kid(s) yell and cry at them or the mom circling their block for the tenth time praying for a nap. You are the reason I share my honest motherhood moments because I’m sure just like me you just need to hear you are not alone and that you are only human.




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Rainy Day Adventures

Yesterday was a gloomy day filled with grey skies and lots of rain. One thing I loved about living in Idaho was being able to play outside pretty much whenever I wanted. So when Rai went down for his nap I bundled Ashton up to jump in some puddles. He’s really only experienced rain twice so far since he was born in Arizona and it was so fun watching him point up to the sky and say ‘water?’ He also learned a new phrase ‘it’s muddy’ which was on repeat while he splashed around. After a while we warmed up the car and the boys and I went to get me a coffee while they napped. <3 I’m loving this new season of motherhood we’re moving into now that Rai is older and has more of a schedule. I’m able to focus better one and one time with each one which makes my mama heart so full. Also get a load of how big Rai is compared to our little peanut Ashton.




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Taking a Step Back

I’ve gone back and forth on this for a while now and decided that I’m going to take a step back from blogging right now. I love the community I’ve built from this platform and plan on coming back again soon but right now… there just too much pressure. Pressure to have it all together, write about what others want to hear, put together picture perfect photos while feeding my soul and raising my kids. The pressure is something I created, something I manifested without meaning to all while losing the focus of why I started this blog, why I share my life with strangers and why I am who I am. So my goal is to come back in 2018 with the right mindset, no pressure and the raw me.




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Our Big Move

I have written and re-written this post several times now trying to figure out how to not receive negative comments, but frankly I realize that’s not possible. When I left my small hometown I never dreamed I’d come back to raise a family there, but here we are gearing up to move there and hopefully get ahead in life again. Now this decision was especially hard because of Jordan–our sweet, sensitive little boy whom we share 50/50 with his mom currently. We’ve toyed with the idea of moving for almost 2 years now and after many long nights of discussions decided that it really will be the best thing for our WHOLE family. Before I get too much more into this I need to address a few comments we’ve already have directed at us thus far:

‘How can you just abandon Jordan like that?’–We are NOT abandoning Jordan, we have been fighting for him and hoped he would be making the big move with us but things don’t always work out how you want it to, so we are going with plan B. We have literally mapped out a way to still get to see him 50% of the time. We have calendars filled with red mark of who’s house he will be at and for how long and who is in charge of transportation.  We’ve already figured out a way to fly us to him or him to us monthly plus breaks, summer and holidays. We will make sure he knows that we are not leaving him but that we are trying to create a better life for him and us and the one we are currently living now is not what we want him and his brothers to think is normal.

‘Who’s going to take care of Jordan?’–…..He has a mother, she has helped raise him thus far and even if our parenting styles are not similar she is his mother AND once again he will still be staying with us on our time.

‘Did you even think about Jordan before making this decision?’— Of course we did!! Jordan spends more time with me than either of his biological parents so this subject is very near and dear to my heart. Of course we thought about him, but we also realized it’s better to show him to fight for a better life then live in a depressing state. (I’ll explain more on this in a bit) I have broken down crying while packing up boxes because he was my first child, he made me a mom first and it kills me to think about all the things we will miss out on but I know this is the right choice.



There has been a few other comments but these three are the main ones we get and the ones that really bug me. I’ve cried over this and even prayed for a sign that this is the right thing to do because of course we worry. We worry something with happen and we won’t be here for him, we worry that someone bad may come into his life and we won’t be there to protect him, we worry that he won’t go to a good school, eat healthy food, like his clothes, etc. WE ARE HIS PARENTS, we worry about everything with him just like we do with Ashton and soon Poppyseed.

Here’s the other thing, we only have a one year plan for our move, our goal is to go to Idaho, live with my parents, tackle debt then reassess our situation. IF things are not going well there or here for Jordan we will do what is right for ALL of us. Right now we are both paying off debt that was collected during our previous marriages, student loans and of course regular bills. In order to do this I work from home because daycare cost too much and we have ZERO family here to help out; so Eric works 10-12 hour days, which means even on the weeks we have Jordan he doesn’t get to see him except for when he wakes up and goes to bed, if that. This is also the only time Eric gets to see me or Ashton.  Not only that, he works in a job that leaves him drained and unsatisfied, we make enough money to get by and nothing else. We ask for memberships to local Zoo’s and Parks as gifts, that way we can afford to take the kids out but the reality is our kids are stuck inside a tiny two bedroom apartment watching their parents struggle to survive.

We were given the opportunity to get ahead.  There is a job lined up for Eric once we get there, where he will make the same amount of money but work less AND get weekends off. There’s also space, time and support for me to grow my home business as well as possibly open a physical shop to sell our products. There is a support system of grand parents, aunts, uncles and friends to help with our growing family AND help us go on a date–we have gone on ONE, yes O N E date since having Ashton. Our second date night was on his one year birthday and only because my parents flew in to Arizona.

What all this also means is a better family life for us.  Yes all of us, including Jordan because now the time we do have with him, he will get to actually see his dad and go do fun things with us and see what it’s like for us all to be happy and not worn out and irritated. We are making sacrifices now to better us later. It’s scary and at times makes me want to puke but I trust Eric’s decision to move us, I trust that this is all happening for a reason and I trust that this really is the best thing for ALL of us.

By moving we have the opportunity to make more money, pay off debt, have a support system, get better family time, get better one on one time, and show our kids that life isn’t about working at a crappy job and hating life.  So before you start making us feel bad about our choice know that it was not an easy choice to make and that your comments are not welcomed. We hope that it all ends up working out in our favor and we get him full time but realize that may never happen. And at the one year mark of our move plan to sit down and decide if we made the right choice or if we need to move back.






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Making room for baby #2 in our small apartment.

Growing up I always pictured myself having babies in a giant house with a big garden out back and plenty of room for all of us to grow and enjoy our hobbies. Then I actually grew up and realized all of that cost a lot of money! Add college debt, divorce debt and getting laid off while on maternity leave with my first and it’s really out of reach now. Yes our place can feel cramped at times, there are days where I wish each boy had their own room and that I could just sit in one room without hearing every noise from inside our place and outside. Something that I will talk about later is our plans for a move but I’m honestly weary of posting about it due to already receiving negative comments about it. None the less I thought I would share how we created space in our bedroom for our sweet poppyseed who will be joining us the end of September.


First we don’t do traditional wood cribs, we have a pack and play for Ashton that he still wont use, (He’s a swing baby just like I was) and the other thing we used ALL the time with Ashton is this mini pop up crib.

I currently have Poppyseed’s going home outfit(s) and swaddle blanket waiting to be packed displayed in it. With Ashton we used the colors already in our room to add space for him till he was old enough to move into Jordan’s room and I loved the way the room flowed together but still had his space for him. So this time my wonderful mom found this lotus flower wall decal that actually was suppose to be a more soft yellow to match the yellow of our room but they sent us gold and Eric and I felt it still fit so we put it up. FYI this was the most annoying thing to try and put up and there is a lot of bubbles and little mistakes BUT again we will move soon so we figure it’s good practice for the next one we try to put up. 😉

Poppyseed’s crib is on my side of the room since I’ll be the one waking up for night time nursing sessions. Now I have a really bad habit of reading many books at once and piling them up on the floor next to my bed BUT with a little one that gets into everything and another one in my belly making bending over exhausting I actually started to break this bad habit and now have a mini stack on my nightstand and one I keep on a tray on our bed. I love this tray!! I remember using it a lot when I would nurse Ashton in bed after Eric would go to work and Jordan would go off to school. I would store my water, books and snack on it while I nursed and napped in the early days of motherhood.

Eric’s side is less set up for baby because there is actually tires on that side of the room (not pictured because I rolled them out of the room to do a little photo shoot.) but my new favorite thing is the little corner that has the pictures of Ashton’s ultrasounds and our hospital bands and the start of Poppyseeds as well as the first anniversary gift I gave him.

One thing I have learned is that when you are nursing you will be sitting a lot and to me I hate sitting in the dark around clutter because I start to feel depressed and just want to sleep so I moved my nursing chair over by our bedroom window and made sure I had things that bring me peace and are calming. One of the shelves will eventually store my pump like it use to but I haven’t dug it back out yet so I have one of Eric’s baby books there and the gold owls my late great grandmother gave me when I was younger.


Lastly a spot that’s just for me is our full length mirror that is now stored behind our bedroom door. This is where I tend to get ready while I sit on the floor and let Ashton crawl all over me and I’m sure where I’ll get ready while I nurse in the future. I wrote about how I started getting ready each day a little while ago that you can read here and it seriously has made such a difference.

With Ashton we moved into our apartment and I was already a few months along and dealing with morning sickness so organizing our place was put on the back burner. I kept saying I’d do it before he was born which turned into I’ll do it after he’s a newborn and basically never happened. So when our apartment complex relocated us to a different apartment with the same exact layout I was dead set on making this place flow. Our closets are still a big issue for me but they are WAY better than before. I honestly feel like I’ve been more at peace the pregnancy due to the fact that everything has a place now and the second something new enters our home I figure out where it will be stored when it’s not in use. I also have crystals placed throughout our house and I’m always diffusing an essential oil which helps keep the whole family a lot more zen if you ask me.

I realized that you think you need all this baby stuff but by time you have your second you realize what you truly need and what will end up being used once (or never) and then stored under your bed or in your exploding closet. I will be adding a post of where I store Poppyseeds clothes, diapers and burp rags soon so stay tuned!




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